Learning to Let Go

In exactly two months I will walk across a stage, move a tassel from right to left, and become and alumna of Florida State University. I have the next two months of my life planned by necessity, and then my color-coded organizer goes blank. It’s exhilarating. It’s terrifying. It's a dangerous freedom; gazing into the future and encountering an abyss.

Of course the question of what is next for me is always on the lips of someone, whether it be family, professors, random people I just met prying into my personal life. I get it, at this stage of my life I should probably have some kind of plan. But just so you know, it is incredibly annoying and intimidating trying to answer “what are you doing for the rest of your life?” when I just settled on a college major last spring. I change my mind about the future more times in a day than I can count.

I have started countless applications for everything from jobs, to grad school, only finishing my application for Peace Corps. But lately, I think about my friends moving on with their lives without me here. I think about all the possibilities I could be missing out on depending on the path I choose to walk. I have been asking myself if Peace Corps, or grad school are things I am genuinely passionate about, or things to enable my tendency to run away from the “real world” and adult decisions.

My recent discovery of  Social Entrepreneurship and Enterprise has just added another dose of confusion to the mix. Through a class I took on a whim because I needed another social sciences credit, I have found a field that intersects pretty much everything I am passionate about. There is a world of amazing businesses out there, with exciting mission statements and work environments. They make me wonder if running away from the responsibilities of the real world isn’t the answer to all my big life question marks. And yet, with all of these possibilities, and new opportunities, or perhaps because of them, I find myself a little sick with anxiety.

         
What if I make the wrong decision? What if I hate whatever opportunity I do take? What if I regret not seeking another path, or turning down something that could have been great. Is it crazy that I crave adventure, but am terrified of where adventure might lead me? I am 22, and I have this crazy idea that I need to know my whole life plan right this minute. Everyone tries to tell me that no one knows what they are doing at my age. But every time I hear of someone being offered a job, or being accepted into another graduate program, I stop believing that a little bit more. I feel a little more behind in my life, and swallow another strong dose of anxiety. I try to relax and scream at my self “QUE SERA, SERA!” But surprisingly that tactic has proven quite ineffective. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel alone.

My prayers have become desperate pleas for some divine and irrefutable sign of what to do next. I spend afternoons crying on the phone to my mom, and spend sleepless nights crying out to God to give me some sort of peek into what my future holds. I know, he doesn’t work on my timeline. But that has always been the hardest and most frustrating things for me to learn. Faith wouldn’t be faith if God just handed me all of the answers whenever I demand them, and yet here I am trying that tactic over and over again. Do you know the answer I keep getting to all of my questions?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

Not exactly a step by step guide to post graduation bliss. But still, it stirs my spirit, and assures me, through my anxiety, through my doubt, that this holds answers. This holds peace. I am still working on how, exactly, to trust in the Lord, to not lean on my own understanding. I struggle moment by moment to let Him unclench my fists from that which I hold so tightly. I want immediate answers, and revelations of what’s to come. He encourages me to trust that, though I can’t see it, it will be good. Though I can’t touch it, plan it, or analyze it, I have a hope and a future. Learning to walk by faith is hard, especially at a time where so much of my life is to be determined. Trusting the Lord to slam doors that need to be closed, and lead me step by step is an excruciating process for a control freak trying to reform her ways. Praying for the next right step, and being content to take this season day by day, sometimes moment by moment, is tiring, and frustrating. But it is also freeing. Trusting the Lord to lead me to the next right step in life means I can be fully present, and fully alive in this moment. I can love freely, I can give generously of myself, and receive blessings with thanksgiving. My only job is to live this moment well, and embrace the abundance of life right here, right now, without worry of what the next day will hold.